I've watched When Harry Met Sally probably three times in the past two days. That's probably not a good idea for a habitually lonely person. I hung out with a bunch of friends last night, but some lyrics from Jack's Mannequin can describe it best. "Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?" That's what I feel like most days. Like there's some indistinguishable barrier between me and everyone else. Sometimes my friends can break through the gray, sometimes not.
I just don't even feel real you know? I'm just waiting to be woken up. I don't feel like I can do it myself. Music can generally inspire something in me, but my tape converter for my i-Pod broke so I'm at the mercy of the radio. Maybe that's a good description. I feel like I'm at the mercy of a cosmic force. Like I'm destined to be alone. Wow I sound emo right now. Promise it's not anything like that. Haven't resorted to all black and heavy metal about sacrificing babies yet. I've finally given up on the idea that there could ever be anything between my teacher crush and I. I could rationalize it as he just doesn't want to show it to maintain a professional composure but that would just be kidding myself. I do that a lot. Dreaming is so much more appealing than reality. That's why we wake up, because we can't have that. Waking up is a literal reality check. Maybe that's what death and heaven is. Extended dreaming...until you wake up as something somewhere else and you have to live again. Or dream forever.
Well, that's very serious thinking. Anyways...so, my best friend and I had figured out that crush teacher lived in our town and then we found out the general area, and on the way home last night from an unsuccessful trip to Albertsons, we decided to look, and we found it, but I was left feeling very bare. Like somehow that just hammered in the truth. He's there, in the future, and I'm here, in the past. Not many people want to relive high school, much less be around people in it. (Regardless if they teach high schoolers or not.) It won't be. It can't be. It still hurts a little to see him, hear his voice. Especially when my hormones are constantly going crazy and the sweetest imaginings are flitting through my mind like a drug. One I never want to detach from. But I have to. How can anyone live like that? Even if I don't feel alive, I know that that's not living. I told myself that maybe after graduation I'll tell him. After graduation, after graduation, after graduation. Maybe I will, but then it's a few months and I'm gone. Some people say to take whatever time you have, others, that it isn't worth the effort to only be heartbroken in the end. I still don't know what I'll do. I'm getting just the barest bit teary.
Truth is though, it's the idea of him. It's the idea of the insubstantial, ethereal, perfect Him. Everyone has a him/her/it. You can just slap on another face and relive the same things over and over. I do that obsessively. Same situations just copy and paste the person. I just want that person. The one that makes your heart race when they get close, that makes you warmer and blush. The one that sends your hormones into overdrive and you just want to lose yourself in them. The person that'll lay with you in bed until two in the afternoon in the sunlight streaming through the window, just whispering and laughing and cuddling and kissing. The one who's hand you want to hold and that it hurts to be too far away from. Not unbearably, but a little more each day. Like a dull ache. Someone you really can't imagine being without. Someone who feels just like you do. Someone where there's no settling. Just love. Just love.
Well, until next time, I'm Eternally Confused.
"Goodbye. Should be sayin' that to you by now shouldn't I? Layin' down the law that I live by. Well maybe next time. I've got a thick tongue, brimming with the words that go unsung. I simmer then I burn for a someone, the wrong one." - Gonna Get Over You, Sara Bareilles
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