In Which There Are Good And Bad Times And Feelings

Last night I had a dream. There was a guy I know in it and I guess that we were at a party or something, but we had the most intimate experience and it wasn't sexual. It just was and it was wonderful. Good respite. I had a lot of fun just hanging out with my father and brother yesterday during the wedding shower. I don't talk to my brother much and when I do it seems awkward, but yesterday it didn't. We were laughing and talking and it just felt great. My dad too. Basically yesterday was good. On the flip side, I've realized that except fir my old percussion teacher Ms. Haynes, teachers are just teachers. They can try to seem like friends, but they'll pull back everytime. Maybe it's professional, maybe it's personal, but either way it's distancing and false. I'm just ready to be down in Austin. To meet new people and experience new things. The hometown isn't doing it for me anymore. Everyone has a best friend and it clearly isn't me. I'm the person called upon to tell someone's boyfriend to be more romantic, or to only hang out with for a smoke or a drink because no one else will do those things with you. I'm the temporary subsidy of the universe until your real plans come along. I've been cancelled on so many times and you're either in undying love with me or I'm just the next best thing. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like the second or third best option. I want to be the first for once.
I want to try to go to Germany for the summer to stay with my German friend Kira. I want to go party and clubbing and see Europe. I crave that adventure. I crave that difference and intrigue. That's another thing that I'm useful/useless for. As soon as I turn eighteen, I'm going clubbing with a friend. I want to lose myself forever in the ephemeral pulse of music and bodies and forget everything. I crave being not in control.

In Which Music Fills The Void

I'm in Austin, I told my future sister in law about the past few weeks because she was asking if I was still with my girlfriend. I said no, and truth is, I didn't just make out with that guy. It was more. It wasn't sex, but it was more. I physically can't say it. Type it. Whatever. Anyone who gets too close to me ends up leaving or distancing themselves. Maybe I offer up too much an it scares them. I've already made the decision to not bring up my past again. Or my issues. People can't handle them. People can't handle me. Music feels like the only comfort. It says what no one else can or will.
I hate getting to that comfortable feeling with everyone around me because they only disappoint me. They're my friend because someone else is or because they can get something from me. They never are just for me. They aren't interested. I guess I make it alone now. Or I don't make it at all.

In Which I Begin To Float Away

It's happening again. I feel like I'm drifting away. Nothing is holding me down and I am connected to no one. The feeling has been descending on me the past few days. Words are hard to find. That's how I know it's bad. When I can't even find words which I consider my life. Expression is difficult. I don't know what to say. Lyrics I look for disappear. I'm insubstantial and inconsequential. I don't know what to do.

In Which There Are Switchblades, Necromorphs and Apprehensions

     So, last week, a crazy and massive snow/ice storm hit Texas and we had Tuesday through Friday off. I loved the break, but hated it at the same time because now we've missed four days of play rehearsals and my AP classes are making up for lost time. Yay. Today, school was out again so instead of it being a complete waste, two friends and I went searching for a pair of identical switchblades for the play. We went to The Square which is our counties beautiful courthouse surrounded by one way roads on four sides and then there are shops on all of those streets. Side by side are The Mini Mall and The Mini Mall II which are...curiosity shops? I don't know. Basically within each humongous store are little stalls where individuals sell their personal items through the Mini Mall and the Mini Mall receives a percentage of the profit. Anywho, I now possess a switchblade and they're dangerously fun! Even though I hated The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, I feel like the cool version of a greaser. Teeheehee...
     I need Dead Space 2. Dead Space was amazing and I can't stop playing it in my spare time. I played through first on Easy and now I'm going to try Impossible. Or Hard. Whichever is hardest. Isaac Clarke is tough. For a Survival Horror genre game, I was expecting to be extremely frightened, but I wasn't. When I mentioned this to someone, they responded, "You weren't playing it right then."...I played it alone... at night... in the dark... can there be a more appropriate place to play it in other than a dilapidated cabin in the middle of the woods with doors hanging off their hinges and no lights other than the moon shining in through the shattered windows and the TV screen? Which I would never do? Jesus. Anywho, I need it. That is all.
     I found out today that some of my fears are confirmed. My friend's boyfriend is definitely cheating on them. I don't have proof, but, I'm 99.975% positive along with two other people. What can I do? She wouldn't believe me without proof and I have none, yet I want to spare her of the months and years later in which it will hurt infinitely worse. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and not in a good way. I'm sorry, I had to say that. She's stuck in a worse place and the most terrible thing is that she doesn't even know it. She has this utter faith in someone and they're quite possibly shattering that faith repeatedly. It pisses me off to no end. I just don't know what to do about it. So that's my current update. Did I mention that I can't wait for May 31st and the Variety Show? I can't. :D

"When the moon fell in love with the sun all was golden in the sky. All was golden when the day met the night. When the sun found the moon she was drinking tea in a garden under the green umbrella trees in the middle of summer. When the moon found the sun he looked like he was barely hanging on, but her eyes saved his life in the middle of summer. In the middle of summer all was golden in the sky. All was golden when the day met the night. Summer. All was golden in the sky. All was golden when the day met the night."- When The Day Met The Night, Panic! At The Disco

In Which I Make Amends In Metamorphosis

     So, for the past few weeks I have been making amends to certain people I feel like I should so I can continue to progress in what I am referring to this year as the metamorphosis, after which I will become, "a mother fucking butterfly." I just don't want any animosity from the past. The past is the past and it shant taint my future. So, first I started with an old friend of my, well I guess in past posts I had referred to her as the ex/friend. I'll call her Meg. Well, Meg is a year older than me and our friend was in her grade and we were pretty tight and then for some reason after graduation she just kind of nonchalantly didn't contact either of us again. I developed a negative opinion for her and early this past year said some shitty stuff about her, but like I said, a few weeks ago I approached her and just apologized. I was guilty of some stuff and she was too and even if she didn't think she was, I was going to atone for my transgressions. What I thought would be UNBELIEVABLY painful turned out quite nice and now we talk occasionally and are possibly grabbing lunch tomorrow to catch up! She's diabetic and so she wouldn't have to wear an ID bracelet, she got "Diabetic" tattooed on her left wrist. I think that's extremely cool. Damn, look how witty my fine little adjectives are.
     Next on my list was Meg. Now, this was no small feat. To put our relationship in a slightly large nutshell, She was dating someone and I expressed interest in her so that relationship ended and we started dating. We got attached and were each other's firsts. I however felt an unceasing attraction to men. Now, she knew I was Bi (that being how I identified at the time), and she was okay with that. I however felt incredibly strongly that I could not commit to her before I had experienced anything with a man. She was not okay with this as most people would be. To her, true bisexuality meant that gender didn't matter. She was right of course, I was just in huge denial of being gay. So we fought a lot, I ended it, we got back together, I ended it in an insane and horrifically frightening break up scene with a few slaps and lots of crying, (I was slapped. I did not hit a girl.), at a town park around midnight. She was devastated, I feared that she would get even more self destructive than she already was and we were awkward around each other and when she got too depressed, she went to get checked out by some doctors. I fucked up a visiting time and her mom thought I was just trying to hurt her and make Meg hate her mother and she said the worst things I've ever heard, (Lots of ways of saying I'm disappointed in you), and that was why I cried for two hours straight. Then we tried to be friends again, I couldn't deal or believe that she changed and just a few days ago, I decided to make amends. I told her that I was sorry for everything and didn't want there to be any animosity. She agreed and talking has gone great so far. She's also going to UT where I will be this Fall and even if I didn't run into her, I still didn't want the possible stress there. So, that was taken care of.
     Then yesterday, or two days ago now I think, I apologized to her ex boyfriend (the one from the relationship I broke up) and that was important but awkward. So, he's a really religious guy and one night he spent the night at my house while him and Meg were still dating so he could stay out later with her and then just come to my house. We both slept in my room and he totally sleep groped/molested me. No hardcore stuff, but definitely some nonconsensual spooning/grinding. I freaked out and didn't know what to do. Some crazy sexual part of myself that didn't care about who it was liked it, but I am NOT attracted to him at all and it grossed me out. After a few minutes I got the nerve to shove him away and satisfied that he was still asleep, tried to prevent mental and emotional scarring. I know he wants me though he would never admit it to me straight up. He creeps me out a little. Right, not the point. Anyways drama happened with other stuff and he basically hated me. Well, we hated each other. I have moved on and apologized and he accepted so that went as well as it could have. I think that's all of my amends to make. Most of them were just those remnants in my past. Yay! That's done.
     Current news. I have come out to a few more people of my choosing and am getting much more comfortable with my sexual identity. I can't explain how good it feels to just let those walls down and embrace the mess that is myself. It's incredibly freeing. Now I just need to get to Austin where Meg assures me tons of hot gay men are. I sound a little trampy don't I? Sigh.
     Ah! So my brother (25) and his fiance are getting married March 23rd and the wedding shower is this weekend in Austin! My mom is even getting me out of school early to make the drive down. I cannot wait. I am nervous about performing a song I'll be singing during the ceremony for them so they can see how they like it, but ripping the band aid off is better right?
     I'm in a music frenzy right now. My choir's variety show is May 31st and even though UIL is coming up, I already found a song I want to perform. Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. I bought the music in my key tonight and have been trying to learn to play the piano part on my keyboard. I can't wait! These next few weeks are going to be insanely busy! Ah!

"Who do you think you are? Running 'round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back to me. Who do you think you are? It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed that first time that we kissed, 'cause you broke all your promises and now you're back. You don't get to get me back." Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri

In Which There Is A Sexual Orientation Quiz

     I've heard so many people ask, "How do you tell if someone is gay or straight?" or, I have no gaydar whatsoever. Well now, I'm here to help. Although I can only help with guys. Girls are generally too confusing except for the ones who wear their orientation like a stereotype. Plus I have no stake in whether a girl is gay or not. :P
     Alright, first, I'm going to rattle off some basics. YOU CANNOT JUDGE A MAN'S ORIENTATION BY HIS HAIR. Except for certain hairstyles. But if it's styled or layered or gelled or waxed or blow dried, it almost always means nothing. For most men nowadays, looking good is important and the standard has changed since what our parents were used to. I.e. flannel, porno mustaches and aviators. Plus they all had rebellious shaggy hair. Anywho, that's rule one. I'll even make you a little list.

Rule #1: Hair is only rarely an indicator of sexual orientation. In some cases, yes. These generally involve hair styles though, not modifications such as gel, wax, layering, styling, etc. I will have examples I promise.

Rule #2: There are facial characteristics to judging orientation. Now, I'm not saying that gay guys have this nose and this lower lip size or that straight guys have this much of a cleft and their eyes are so far apart. Just look at the face and trust your gut.

Rule #3: VOICE. If it is in person, you can judge by the voice almost 99.9% of the time. Most times you won't be interacting directly, but it is a great tool if you are.

Rule #4: CLOTHING IS NOT A GREAT IDENTIFIER EITHER. People of all orientations dress in an infinite multitude of fashions. Preppy, punk, emo, skater, jock, indie, hipster, etc. Unless they go the whole nine yards (and one more), then you probably won't be able to tell.

Rule #5: WATCH. LISTEN. PONTIFICATE. If you are seeing someone in person, see if you can judge by mannerisms, voice, the subject matter they're speaking about, etc. Just be interactive and absorb like a sponge.

     Alright. With that, I think we just might be ready to start the quiz/lesson. I'll give an example first to start out. Then, the fun begins.

Example #1

     Alright, now, these men are obviously homosexual. You can note this from the hairstyles (Exception to the rule!), the clothing, and the general facial characteristics. Especially the one on the right. They happen to be feminine, but this does not mean all homosexuals are feminine. I think that that's enough of a head start. Let's get this quiz started. Each question will be worth ten points each. Then at the end, I'll explain what I believe the answer to be and how I ruled out the other two options, or didn't.

Exhibit #1

Do you think that this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #2

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #3

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #4

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #5

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #6

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #7

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #8

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #9

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

Exhibit #10

Do you think this man is Gay or Straight?

     Alright. Lets see how you did!

#1- Gay. But, if you guessed Straight, give yourself 5 points because this guy was particularly difficult. I didn't want to include a sub category of Bisexual because that's nitpicking. He exhibits characteristics both Gay and Straight, but I decided on Gay due to his stance, attention to detail of the picture and clothing.

#2- Most definitely Gay. If you can't tell...well maybe you should just quit here, Lol. Short list, feminine dress, clothing and makeup.

#3- Straight. But if you guessed Gay, give yourself 5 points because he was difficult as well. He could either just be a normal, muscular Gay guy or a normal muscular Straight guy. It's hard to explain outside of my head.

#4- Straight. He dresses with care but not with scrutiny or obsession and lacks the Gay characteristics physically. He just seems averagely Straight.

#5- Gay. His posture, his hair and his facial characteristics immediately make me think that he is Gay.

#6- Straight. But if you guessed Gay, take 5 points. The trick here is that he's a hipster. Hipsters can often be confused because of their dress and mannerisms although they may very well be masculine or feminine. They walk a fine line when trying to eyeball one's orientation. I settled on Straight for this guy.

#7- GAY! Oh goodness. He could be a hipster if it weren't for the shirt. The shirt ruins the hipster theme he has going with the whole, "I'm wearing glasses even though I don't need them because I like how they make me look nerdy. Posture is a huge tip off too.

#8- Straight. He has the beard going, the lackadaisical clothing. He doesn't particularly care about his personal appearance and lack the physical characteristics.

#9- Gay. The face, the hair, the pink shirt and especially the look on his face. Sorry for getting short, my step family wants me to play Wii with them!

#10- This one is extremely difficult. I have to arrive at Gay though due to the pose, the earrings, and the hair. He is a masculine to average tempered Gay guy and is extremely cute.

So! Here's the scoring!

100-95 = You have a very well developed Gaydar. Good Job!

90-80 = You are pretty good at identifying orientations!

70-60 = You're good most of the time, but your equipment could use some tuning!

50-40 = Well you need practice. You're between sometimes and less than on accuracy which can be dangerous.

30-20 = Ouch. Don't approach in person unless you are brave and can take rejection.

10-0 = Your Gaydar is nonexistent. Here's to hoping they peg you right!

I hope you enjoyed/learned something! I had fun! Yay!

"I am what I am. I am my own special creation. So, come take a look. Give me the hook or the ovation! It;s my world that I want to have a little pride in. My world and it's not a place I have to hide in!"- I Am What I Am, La Cage Aux Folles

In Which People Push My Buttons And Sexiness Abounds

     I just got a few confusing texts from I-won't-give-you-the-time-of-day-guy and now I'm annoyed. Pissed rather. So, I'm going to distract myself with sexy famous people. I was going to do this anyway, but now I have more motivation!

#1- Mitch Hewer from Britain's "Skins."

     Holy crap, what is there not to like about this gorgeous, gorgeous guy? He's blonde (Perk #1), he's British (Perk #2), he's hot (Perk #4) and well, just look at him. Really. Gah. I read he might be moving to California and I got too excited. Too bad he's straight and only played a gay character on Skins. His voice is soft and his eyes are blue and if I could be anyone besides myself, I would most definitely be this beautiful man. To my knowledge he hasn't been in much else other than Skins, but boy would I love to see whatever he does in the future.

#2- Channing Tatum from recently advertised in "The Eagle."

     Just, wow. While I love Mitch for being his cute little self, I like Channing (despite his name) for being a mostly manly man with a few exceptions of the metropolitan/metrosexual look. Doesn't diminish his brilliance any though. The name Channing does a little. I would call him ChanChan or something else entirely if I were Jenna Dewan. His voice makes him seem a little duhhhhh, but I like it nonetheless. He just has that powerful and dominating presence and a strong jaw and well, look at him. Nuff said.

#3 Jake Gyllanhaal most recently in "Love And Other Drugs."

     My most favorite parts in Love And Other Drugs were not the frequent nude shot done by Anne Hathaway. My favorites, were the ones of Jake Gyllanhaal. Oh goodness. I don't understand how Maggie is so unattractive. Maybe he got all of the good look genes. His eyes are incredible. Plus I love his smile. This is going to sound atypical, but I didn't care for him in Brokeback Mountain. Too "I'm a big ol' straight man and I don't even know what gay means but I'll practically rape Heath with all our clothes on." Just didn't like it. But, not the point. This guy? MEGA fine.

#4 Sam Worthington most famous in James Cameron's "Avatar."

     Again. Look at him. He's also an Aussie, so his accent is to die for which on a sidenote brings me to Hugh Jackman. GAH. How do english speaking countries so far from me produce such attractive people. He has the jaw, some very mysterious eyes and can most definitely rock the stubble look. I love stubble. I don't care for beards or mustaches or goatees or soul patches, just stubble. And maybe some of the condemned if they look REALLY good. He's just wonderful. Yes. End.

     Alright, well that's all I have effort for for now. I feel much better. There is nothing like sexy therapy when you're upset. Until next time!

"Hey there sugar baby saw you twice at the pop show. You taste just like glitter mixed with rock and roll. I like you a lot, lot, think you're really hot, hot. Know you think you're special when we dance real crazy. Glamourphonic, electronic, disco baby. I like you a lot, lot, all we want is hot, hot. Boys, boys, boys. We like boys in cars. Boys, boys, boys. Buy us drinks in bars. Boys, boys, boys. With hairspray and denim and boys, boys, boys. We love them. We love them."- Boys Boys Boys, Lady Gaga

In Which There Is Snow

     AHHHHH!!!!! School is out for an epic snow storm the likes of which Texas has not seen in awhile. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. on my living room couch because apparently I fell asleep there, but I don't hurt, so yay! Alright, NEWS TIME. I recently got cast as Juror #3 in an adaptation of Twelve Angry Men, (Twelve Angry Jurors due to male and female cast members) and I'm so freaking exciting. I'm a sadistic, cruel, sick man and I get to scream and yell and be terrible. Bad characters are just so much more interesting to play than good ones. Maybe that's just me. Oh, and snow! I will take pictures and post them later! Along with a role in the play, what little social life I possess will now slowly slip into the crapper of life. FLUSH. Oh well, at least I'm doing something I enjoy... for two and a half hours a day... four days a week... for two months... yeah, you have to love acting. :D
     Well, this past week has been very interesting. Actually, last week was the worst week in a LONG time as well. I was dealing with affectations out of my control (As they usually are for most people), and settling into my newfound sexual identity. Not to say that it solely identifies me. You get what I'm saying. I went searching though a bunch of old CDs and found Matchbox Twenty that I've been missing forever, as well as Hot Fuss by The Killers. I have needed Mr. Brightside for my epic dance mix. Seriously, not to brag, but my dance mix is fantasmagorical. And Scrumtrelescent. Oh Will Ferrel.
     I've been planning to have a tacky/cheesy post where I break down and list all of the wonderfully attractive famous people I love. I may do that today. Snow days are days for blogging... and hot chocolate... and snow ice cream...and blogging! And ugh, scholarships unfortunately. By the way, if you've never had snow ice cream, SHAME ON YOU! Just kidding, get some though. Seriously. Just grab a big bowl right now, scoop snow into it, pour in some milk, vanilla and sugar to taste and OMG. Nature's greatest gift... besides life and all that. Can you tell that I LOVE ellipses right now?... Tee hee.
     I cannot wait until March 6th. POKEMON BLACK AND WHITE COME OUT!!!!! The new generation has lots of potential unlike the fourth. Come to think of it, 3rd and 4th Generations sucked. Hardcore. The starters were probably the best and that's a little depressing. Even the legendaries were lame. Here are the ones I'm excited for from the newest 5th Generation-

     Well, those are just some of them. I mean, an Electric Zebra?! Hell yes! Sign me up for that. A Ghost/Fire Pokemon that's a Chandelier? YES AGAIN. Only con is that that big, black bad boy on the far right is in Pokemon White and I lost at Rock, Paper, Scissors so I have to get Black. The other legendary looks so gross. Sorry, my nerdy little Pokemon blog. Odds are, you'll hear more. :P
     So, I went to Toys R Us with my fellow Poke-Master Christine Sunday to download Ash's Pikachu, and happened to also get Dead Space. I love the commercials for Dead Space 2, and although the idea of a Survival Horror game frightened me and I thought that I'd only be able to play it with other people, I totes played it yesterday and it wasn't bad at all. A little freaky? Sure. Piss-your-pants-crap-yourself-vomit-and-cry-uncontrollably-scary? Not so much. It's still so dark outside and it's 7:05 a.m.. I need to get a camera. I love taking pictures. My iPhone has opened up the world of a semi-decent camera phone, so I tend to take pictures like crazy. I also may have downloaded images of the entire new 5th Generation of Pokemon and picked out my favorites...yeah.
     By the way, my friend Christine is amazing. I'm not trying to shuck up at all. I schwear like Sean Connery. When I told her about Day 1 and to read it, this is what she sent me-

"Hey Jeffrey, I read your blog. It was beautiful. I'm so glad you've come to terms with yourself. I just want you to know that this changes nothing in our relationship. I love you for you, judgement free."

I cannot tell you how happy this still makes me. I will never lose the text. Also randomly, my birthday is SLOWLY approaching, (April 29th!) and I will hopefully be getting my very first tattoo! I have a picture of said tattoo as well! It's that lovely Taurus sign on the left. I want it black (instead of that weird gray the image is in) and on my left wrist. It'll be a little bigger than a quarter. I cannot wait. It means so much to me just because I am the human embodiment of a Taurus. I'm overly prideful at times, rash, I make a lot of mistakes and am very headstrong, love too fast and have lots of difficulty apologizing. I tend to rush into things and act surprised when the consequences slap me across the face. I've actually improved a lot of these things over the past year. Still some confidence issues oddly. I don't quite understand the opposing juxtaposition of pride and insecurity, although I think they fit together more than people think.

     Well, I am going to go off and enjoy the rest of my day. But first? I think I hear a sexy people blog post calling my name. :D

"I came here to make you dance tonight. I don't care about my guilty pleasure for you. Shut up 'cause we won't stop. We're getting down 'til the sun's comin' up."- Guilty Pleasure, Cobra Starship