Last night I had a dream. There was a guy I know in it and I guess that we were at a party or something, but we had the most intimate experience and it wasn't sexual. It just was and it was wonderful. Good respite. I had a lot of fun just hanging out with my father and brother yesterday during the wedding shower. I don't talk to my brother much and when I do it seems awkward, but yesterday it didn't. We were laughing and talking and it just felt great. My dad too. Basically yesterday was good. On the flip side, I've realized that except fir my old percussion teacher Ms. Haynes, teachers are just teachers. They can try to seem like friends, but they'll pull back everytime. Maybe it's professional, maybe it's personal, but either way it's distancing and false. I'm just ready to be down in Austin. To meet new people and experience new things. The hometown isn't doing it for me anymore. Everyone has a best friend and it clearly isn't me. I'm the person called upon to tell someone's boyfriend to be more romantic, or to only hang out with for a smoke or a drink because no one else will do those things with you. I'm the temporary subsidy of the universe until your real plans come along. I've been cancelled on so many times and you're either in undying love with me or I'm just the next best thing. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like the second or third best option. I want to be the first for once.
I want to try to go to Germany for the summer to stay with my German friend Kira. I want to go party and clubbing and see Europe. I crave that adventure. I crave that difference and intrigue. That's another thing that I'm useful/useless for. As soon as I turn eighteen, I'm going clubbing with a friend. I want to lose myself forever in the ephemeral pulse of music and bodies and forget everything. I crave being not in control.
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