Introduction- 365 Days

     I'm sitting in my empty Queen size bed, midday light is streaming in through the windows. When I say my bed is empty, I don't mean it literally necessarily. There's no one in it but me. Me and notebooks, pens, CDs, books, my recently ruined and now empty wallet. For someone who's so commitment phobic, I get awfully lonely. It makes absolutely no sense. I'm watching DVR'd episodes of Hoarding: Buried Alive and listening to Imogen Heap's "new" CD Ellipse. I'm also wondering how I got here and what is in store for me. Sigh. I guess if you're reading this then you want to know something more about me than my surroundings.

     I have severe commitment issues as previously stated and a pretty big fear of death. They kind of feed into each other. Someone once told me, whenever you're with somebody in any kind of relationship, it's only going to end in one of two ways. You'll be with them forever, or you won't. That struck me pretty hard for such a simple realization. You see, whenever I'm with somebody, I have this incessant voice in the back of my head whispering to me. Not literally, I'm not that crazy, but it makes me squirm in the confines of a relationship. It says the two most deadly words. What if? What if while I'm with this person I'm missing who I'm supposed to be with? What if I'm settling due to my insecurities? What if, What if, What if, until I can't stand it anymore and I break it off and run away. And even then, only to be met by my fears of death and loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I would never be in any kind of open relationship. That just sounds terrible because I do get jealous. An ex/best friend, (Yeah, I know, bad combination), once said, "You just haven't found who you're supposed to be with yet. You'll know then." I still find it hard to believe that everything will just click into place and that the fears and insecurities will dissipate but I can hope right? Another thing that's difficult for me, a realist. I'm also a hopeless romantic. A hopeless romantic with commitment issues. What the hell? I confuse myself. I'm constantly in a state of shock at the conflicting, paradoxical feelings and thoughts I have.

     Now I think I'm going to make a deal with myself. Before I date/romantically see anyone else, I need to take a year and just figure things out. Maybe then things will make more sense, maybe then things will be easier. Maybe my voice will be a little less loud, maybe I'll think a little harder about what I say before I say it, maybe I'll be a little bit more considerate, maybe I'll find the confidence I fundamentally lack. There's what if? again. Well what if?, fuck you.