Wow, it's been almost two months. Sorry. I've had a uh...interesting time lately. I'll start off with my recap of Thanksgiving. Well first I went to my dad's family's Thanksgiving. It was immensely awkward. I have this douche cousin who's just a creep. He said that if you didn't want to work, just go for a Liberal Arts degree. They just hand it to you. I was pissed. I want to study Psychology and English. That's all liberal arts. So, douchebag pissed me off. Plus I went alone. My sister wouldn't come with me because it was so awkward but I went for my father and grandparents. I know they'll appreciate it. I stayed, made my appearence then went to my mom's family's Thanksgiving which I expected to be amazing as usual. My cousin said that the fact that Glee's version of Baby It's Cold Outside was sung by two men instead of the traditional man and woman bothered her. If that wasn't bad enough, my aunt then agreed and said that that was unnatural. I almost broke down and cried. They're the people I thought would accept me the most, but here they weren't acting like it. Now there's doubt in my mind. I can see the disgust and revulsion where once I saw acceptance. It haunts me. I feel like most of my friends can just make their obligatory "awww, I'm sorry" comment and avoid it. I don't think any of them understand. For a few it isn't their fault they can't understand. For others I doubt they give a shit. They don't get the utter emptiness of the few people you're biologically bonded to in this world rejecting you. At the end of the day, most people have their fmaily. I might not someday and that almost literally breaks my heart. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I feel utterly alone. What's worse than people not knowing is people knowing and not caring. Yeah, so that's some of the blackness I carry around. Every day. That's another problem. I tell people and they assume because I mentioned it once it's out and dealt with. It's not. It's always there. It's a leaden weight that's constantly threatening to drag me under. I worry about that with one of my friends. She's an enigma wrapped in a conundrum to me. I worry that she's more insecure than she lets on. I'm worried that I might see more than what's there, but what if I'm not?
I just recently read Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez, and it made me just want to say fuck it and wear some gigantic button that says, "Hi, I'm Bi. Your name is?" That's what people see first anyways. Other days I want to suppress every personality quirk and hope that no one ever notices. I try to compromise by telling myself that if someone were to ask I would just tell the truth. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't broadcast. I'd jsut be honest with direct questions. Well, that's always easier said than done...like most of my personal commitments. Now I'm watching Latter Days. I love this movie. I'm playing Pokemon HeartGold. I can't sleep. Most of that earlier shit is suppressed right now. I can make it through for awhile.
"Hello again friend of a friend. I knew you when our common goal was waiting for the world to end. Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend, you crack the whip, shapeshift and trick the past again. I'll send you my love on a wire. Lift you up everytime. Everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo, from you." - Black Sheep, Metric
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