Honesty and Sweet Nothings

     I finally opened up to him. I knew that he wouldn't or couldn't reciprocate but somehow hearing it hurt terribly just because it slammed the door closed on all of these dreams I've had in my head and my heart. As unrealistic as they are, they're mine. They're all I'll have of that aspect of us. Somewhere deep inside, I will always feel this love for him. Romantically I mean. His awkward laugh and mannerisms, his smile, the random connections he makes between things because he thinks way too fast to stay focused on what you're saying. His hair, eyes, the clothes he wears. He has such wonderful taste in music and clothing. I could go on all day.
     When I told him, I think that he thought if I told him, opened up and got it out that it would dissipate. It hasn't and it won't. He just won't see the coping that I'm trying to do. How broken I feel. Why do I fall for people who cannot return my feelings? Sigh. I don't want anyone else, but I need to. He is this standard that all others must surpass before they even get a shot at me. He's it.
I have this demented longshot hope that somehow, just through one passionate kiss, I could make him feel what I feel. Like I could inspire the feelings I have in him. Not that that could ever happen. The idea of kissing another man like that probably makes him tremendously uncomfortable. I don't stand a chance. To be continued.

     And by continued I mean now. It's 4/19/11 and 9:47 p.m. now by the way. Ten days until my birthday! Well, I'm doing a lot better. I worry that some part of our friendship has been damaged by my admission, but I'll fix it if it has. Soon these feelings will fade and everything will be easier and like it was. I make things way too complicated. Honestly, I've realized I'm a little dramatic. I like resolution is all. I hate that I can be dramatic because it's a gay stereotype to be dramatic and no me gusta stereotypicas. Especially personifying them. Bleh.
     On a side note, I need a job hardcore. Preferably retail because I cannot work in fast food. Just can't do it. Restaurant? Maybe. I wouldn't mind waiting tables so much. I'm waiting until after my birthday though because once you turn eighteen, places are infinitely more willing to hire you.
     I've also been writing more! I got a prologue mostly hammered out and now the first part of the first chapter and even though it's going to be a LONG road to completion, I've taken the first steps and it's incredibly exciting. Well, I'm ending this post on a good note. I feel a lot better about everything. I'm so close to graduating and next week because all of the non-senior classes have to take the standardized TAKS tests, seniors aren't ALLOWED on campus until eleven a.m. so I will be sleeping in like crazy until AP tests in two weeks. Well, goodnight!

"Hot as hell, cold as ice. Sip it slow cause it's so nice. Dulls my senses drives my pain, but I do it again. Burns a bit to the touch. Dangerous if it's too much. If this bottle could talk, love on the rocks."- Love On The Rocks, Sara Bareilles