The Perils and Pitfalls

     I need the rain to wash everything away and begin anew. I'm hung up on people that I have no right or reason to be hung up on. It's kind of really painful. I can't even talk about it with the people closest to me because then things get even more complicated and I could lose someone that I care most about. Ugh, I hate this. For the longest time I had these delusions that something mutual was felt. Anything. SOMEWHERE deep down behind lock and key and that was okay for awhile because of the hope. But then I came to my senses and my friend Alli that I had poured all of these hopes and dreams into admitted that they are most likely unfounded and incredibly unlikely and unrealistic. I needed that frankness and honesty. I did. I do... I think. Somehow that kind of made everything worse. Without hope now it's this unrelenting torrent of feelings that I have to suppress and smother either so far down that they'll never come up again or destroy them somehow. This unrequited feeling is the worst. Sometimes I can ignore it, but most times I can't. Even now I close my eyes and they're there. Waiting. That's the rock bottom point. When I can't even find sanctuary in the darkness behind my eyes. Then the mind takes over and paints the most wonderful, torturous images that taunt me. The thunder tearing through the sky fits the mood. I'm going to go outside now. See if the rain can help.

     I love the feeling of rain. The sound. The smell of renewal. The small wet drops that slide down your forehead and drip from the tip of your nose. The grumbling of old gods like nature's static. The flashing of beautiful bolts that I relate with far too much. Strength, power, beauty. All instantaneous. All bright. All gone in that same instant. That's what I feel like. I burn so intensely and so brightly that no one can handle me. No one can deal with that massive energy and so they let go. They can't bear to hold onto me. They don't want to. Then it's over and I'm gone in an instant. The blink of an eye. That's why I'm so sexual. That's why it's so appealing. Because that is kind of the definition. It's fast, it's bright and then it's over. I don't understand the concept of long term because I can't even make it past two or three months. And that is because... because... I'm just too heavy to deal with. Not literally of course although I'm certainly not the smallest person in the world. I'm so desperate, no, that sounds too desperate. I'm too... wanting of that touch, that love, that kiss that makes everything melt away. And what's worse is that that just doesn't happen very much. Love, true love, love at first sight, this unconditional adoration just doesn't exist. Not how I want it.

     I don't want perfection. I don't want an Adonis. I just want love. And to be able to share that and receive that from someone. I want that smile from nowhere just because I'm so happy. I want that laugh out of the blue because I'm so lucky and I can't believe it. I want to be with someone where being apart just isn't an option. Someone who won't get tired when I tell them the same stories over and over again. Someone who wants to read my random writings and hear my voice. Someone intelligent who can joke with me and make me laugh. I want all of these things that I see in movies, read in books, hear about from loved ones and family members. Even though I may be young and I have so much life in front of me, I'm beginning to doubt that it exists. It's hard for me to be around my brother and his wife because they are so in love. They share so much and I'm jealous. I hate that I am, but it's the truth. You can see it. It's in their eyes, it's in their smiles, it's even in the way they sit and walk and breathe. Just seeing them get married two weeks ago tore me apart in the worst way. It was so beautiful and I won't have that. I've been tearing up for the last two paragraphs. I wish I could just cry and get everything out. I wish I could just open up... but I can't. Not even here. This dies with me. It has to. Like I said, if they find out... it would be catastrophic. Things would change. I would lose too much.

     For now, I guess I go on. Wounded, but alive. I don't know how I got here. This point in my life I mean. I've made so many strides in being comfortable with my body, staying honest and living life how I want to. Then something likes this comes around. It's been there. Just... never this strong. I hate knowing how much I can love, how much I can give, and at the same time how that changes absolutely nothing. Regardless of the potential I have, the joy that I can bring, it can't make a person love you. They won't love me. Not like I want them to. Whoever said that love could part the oceans and move mountains was wrong. Or more likely, they just never found the real thing. Even an imaginary substitute is better than nothing. Fuck these feelings. Eighteen days until my eighteenth birthday. That's what I'm going to hold onto right now.

"I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart, but you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start. You put your arms around me and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go... I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already fallin'. I'll never let our love get so close."- Christina Perri, Arms